As I'm sitting here, a few hours removed from the end of my hospital duties as a clerk, I can't help but remember the things I have gone through. While it's still fresh on my mind, allow me to say a few things about clerkship.
People would always say that you will learn who you're real friends are at clerkship. I disagree. There might be some truth to it but it doesn't capture the whole essence of it. In clerkship, you will know yourself more. What you can or cannot stand. What you will let go and not let go. You will know your boundaries.You will know what you can or cannot tolerate. There are certain boundaries in your life that you will establish during this time. And you tend to see things a little bit more clearly. You will see what you like and don't like. In the process, you will know what you can tolerate from others.
The most important thing you will learn in clerkship is neither skills nor patient management. The most important thing you will learn is how to be in a hospital setting. A classroom and a hospital are two wholly different entities. You will learn to recognize the pulse and beat of a hospital. You will know how it runs and you will know how to be part of the system. You will know what is the ideal, the practical and the dismal. All of this you will know if you keep your eyes open. Don't focus too much on skills or learning. It will come. Believe me. It will be driven to you again and again. But you have to remember that you will be living in the hospital the rest of your life now. If you don't know what's going on, what use are skills and knowledge?
Clerkship is like your 1st time, whether it be first time having sex or first time being in a relationship. Sort of like when kids hit puberty. There will be awkwardness. No matter how much you prepare, you will never be truly comfortable. There will be a sense of hesitancy. Like you don't know where you belong. You're stuck in a transition phase. Too old for the classroom and yet too young and inexperienced to be in a hospital. But eventually, you will grow into it. You will learn to handle yourself better. But there will always be a sense of nervousness. To some degree, it's a good thing. It keeps you on your toes. This fear or nervousness helps you to not fuck up whatever the hell it is that you're doing. Use that fear and eventually, it will disappear and things would be a little less awkward than it was before.
There are many things you will learn from different people. You will learn from everyone you meet. Each person carries a story and by hearing their story, it enriches yours. So talk to the orderlies, the patients, the residents, the nurses, the interns. They will give you little tiny bits of advise that when combined, will help you get through the hospital. Of course, not all people will be nice to you. There will be some who will treat you like the dirt in their shoe. Have patience for them. Learn from what they they are saying (if there is any). In OB when I am labor watching, I always talk to the mothers. Ask them about their lives and such. It's both a selfish thing and an act of kindness. I want to learn something from them and at the same time, I like to let them know that someone cares for them. Talk to people. There are many interesting things that they will say. Some of these people will touch your lives profoundly. They will make you a better person. But you wouldn't know if you don't talk to them.
You will learn to cherish your friends, your families and your significant others more. They will be a source of strength for you. Love them and never forget them. Talk to them of your troubles. It will ease the burden. You will learn to appreciate their company more. You will miss them profoundly because you will spend most of the year in the hospital. There will be special events that you will miss. I was lucky enough to spend my Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve at home but there were some unlucky ones. Learn to appreciate the people in your life. Make their company a sanctuary.
You absolutely need to go out during clerkship. There will be times when things will get overwhelming. That's why you need the time to relax. To talk to people. And when you talk, you need to talk about mundane things. Funny things. Don't talk about work seriously or some subject you can't understand. I absolutely hate it when people talk about serious hospital matters when all you want to do is just relax. Learn to destress and let the toxicity out. It will drive you insane if you don't go out. Drink, watch a movie. You need that break. Use it wisely.
In the end, no matter what I tell you about clerkship, if you haven't experienced it yet, you will not know it for the contradiction that it is. It is both the best of times and the worst of times. Keep your eyes open and learn from the periphery, from the cracks.
I have enjoyed clerkship a lot. I can't believe I said that. But I did. Looking back, I will cherish all the memories, even the bad ones. Even though, I sometimes say that I hate it. But it was an unbelievable experience.
As I near the end of this monologue, let me close it by saying that there will be people that you learn to cherish. Whether it is a friend or your duty group (Group 6 =)), you will know how much they mean to you and without them, clerkship would be unbearable. So allow me to thank Annai, Kenneth, Rose Ann, Raymonde and Reg for being awesome group mates. Even though we will no longer be group mates, we will still be family. Thanks =)
